Amy's not yours

Focus on task at hand. Complete a thought. Weighting out whats important and what is a unproductive for the big picture. Finer attention to details. I glance right over them.

Following through.

ooo yeah ooo yeah

Smiling at strangers.
Happy thoughts shall spread like the flu.
Living in this moment cause there is no better place to be.
Letting all worries wash away, exposing only the present.
Remembering to exhale the negative.

pause before the pause and use it unproductively; this moment is not to be use but be nothing more and less than a moment. Don't shove it in your pocket like that clam at the all you can eat buffet. I'm holding my breath again.

What should be.

I have trouble with that.

Those words chase me around during the day. Who wins....

Social acceptance? How could that be on my to do list? Is it an automatic human quest?

NOW stop the press... don't get me all twisted (nice use of slag) I'm not talking about this issue being the main course but rather the pepper that I sprinkle on.

I'm just in the middle of figuring out what is worth resisting and what I am only fighting for the sake of fighting.

Hum a different tune down a different path to the same place I've always been going.

weak. I can not stand being this. Escape I will. My alter ego views things differently. This strong seductress enjoys things of a darker nature. Motionless mouth and narrowed eyebrows to direct the focus on my large intense eyes that will command attention. Swimming in a sea of dark colors that give chills to young girls. I am no longer in control which is right where I want to be. Letting the confidence of a queen take over my body and I enjoy the ride.

I do as I am told but only when I don't realize I am.
A strong suggestion and a obvious attempt at following.
I am nothing more than a lemming some days.
Social situations where I am force to do what I should.
Introduce yourself....
Laugh after the so called joke...
Smile and be happy with old friends...

blah

I do what I want.

I had a thought but lost it.

finders keepers.

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I like the colors outside. simply lovely.

speak it.

tired with a lower case t.

no more cranberry juice. will waste it while thinking of the thirsty children everywheres.

I ate bread that does not make me feel super in the tummy... I knew it before hand but could not control my impulsives... impulsive amy.

now I'm trying to process my food in an orderly fashion.

tweedle dee tweeele dum.

not really into this wednesday.

don't call me no more.

Newly trimmed hair. No hairs left uncutted.

take my hand I extend it in your direction. I do not want you to hold if for I am only offering just to offer cause it feels like I should. Welcoming warmly into a cool damp place where you do not belong. The door always slams behind you and I have swallowed the key twice now. stagger away and don't look back. No place for you here. deception is a game I play well... warning is only expressed if that hand can be dealt. tuck your tail and scurry off... my eyes will dart in your directions not will any hatred just with my own internal confusion. The external stare that is focused on the internal reflections. Allow me to adjust my vision. Offer me nothing... sweep it up and take off.

little tiny ear ring hoops I will jump through. Thoughts of static unchanged situations make me sick to my stomach. I will stare down that cook to see who wins. I have the facts but still my ingrained habits rein over me. Sweet and sour life.... swimming in a pool of the two extremes. Always. As I am in complete control I am completely out of control. In the middle of the two is a swirling magnet that throws the negatives and positives around. not contradictions but the truth.

Right now I am a sand castle and if you see the sand around me crumbling away just build me up.


not really good but not really bad.

what is my path to hell paved with?

drop down to the ground just to embody the feeling. lame expression that over powers the truth.

I've created this and I want out... looking for my escape pod. frightfully.

back to the hoops. Jumping so small because the larger hoops are not right yet.

I think too much and not enough. I contradict myself because I hate it and love it. I'll admit to nothing and tell you everything. I'll hold you close just to push you away. I'll play the part as the strong just cause you think I'm weak. I want to be wanted but want to be left alone and then get upset when no one is around. I like to make sure you think you know what page I'm on just so I can finish before you. Everything is done out of spite. But if you think I will do something I won't just to keep you guessing. I'm not sure of my next move nor do I care to think that far ahead. I watch my health like I want to be around forever but drive like I have a death wish. Contrast! Yin yang? black and white and gray to shade in the transitions.

I like people to stay away from my confusion just cause it feels better than trying to explain myself. Don't draw up an conclusion about me... that leaves me as an non evolving thing. I change everyday. I can no ever be just _____. I am everything and I enjoy it. Take it or leave it... I am a circle... my good and bad will toy with each other... come and play or just stay away.

so here it is. double scoops. the wall. I would blend. not invisible.... but to become part of the scenery whenever I wanted to be. cause sometimes I am just as useful as a coat rack and other times I am the main event. But if I can't be an event I just want to be a spectator.


I see them... they don't see me. My favorite part of new york city. The desensitized people. I can watch them and they don't care that I am staring at them. I am aquirring information to make up a story about them. I try to figure out where they are going and what they do... then I can figure out what they are thinking. The surface thoughts of being tired and just wanting to go home... or the thoughts that can control them selfs and must be expressed in ones face as well. Thoughts of life issues... problem solving in ones head. Deciding between lovers... or dealing with a betrayal of a lover. Body language. Its lovely... I will go back to the city and create stories about everyone I don't meet. I don't want to meet them... then that will ruin my fantasy. Always at a finger tips distance.

and then it happens. The paranoia of familiarity. (not familiarity that cushions your head like a pillow) The kind that reminds you of a time when worry ran freely through your head and your quicken breath only gave it more range to roam. Shock to the system and flood gates open. Flashing warning lights and panic for the exit. There are no exits here... its a narrow one way road... can't turn around. Fear of what I think this road might lead to.... disappointment? Failure? A job a could settle for? Being a part time under paid worker??? Losing my dream?!!! Am I losing grip on the slipping reins of this wild illusion of mine? Should I stop letting my eyes glaze over as I live in my head and become completely unaware of the surrounding world? This is that place that I dwell... every mistake surges through me like a cannon ball into the enemies ship. But just like that ship once hit I start to sink... allowing more harm to come... my mind clings onto anything bad and can't focus my eyes on anything good.

There you have it. I'm going down. No life vest please.

intensifying my stare at something just beyond my nose. Cringe. The flaws just overwhelm and take command. why must my focus always focus... hm... well my flaws... or any flaws. (I'm judging you)

FOR an example. Today I took class (pardon... I took classes) and I'm sure I might have done some pretty fabulous amazing things... but my short term memory only seems to be replying the times I really let shit hit the fan. Good grief... and good golly miss molly.

I guess its good always wanted more and never feeling like you've reached your maximum. but sanity gets pushed farther farther away when I torture myself with instant replays of terrible I suck at life moments.

Blllllllllllllllllllah.

I have to channel things. Control your compulsions... aim-wah.

12:40.
dee deee deeee deeeeeeee

la la la la... too much indian food and mojitos... I felt like that was a good combination at the time. BUT its alright cause I got my horton fix today. Nothing makes my day like a lateral T into a stag turn. M mmmm mmmm good. I'm pretty tired. BUT I feel like goofy-in around and around... so this is what the goof-in looks like. I did a whole lota sleepin on the train. I'm pretty happy that I didn't miss my stop... I fear that but the fear didn't over come my will to sleep.... interesting.

BYE BYE New York city. I just like to visit. Like window shopping... Not actually buying... just looking... and maybe trying on.... hmmm I don't think its like window shopping at all... I lied. Wow... back to the drawing board...

I'm going to brush the indian food off my teeth (I can see it stuck to several of my teeths)

Until we meet again.

signing off..... off off off off

ha ha ha. Well... you hypocrite.... stop it.

http://www.wholesoystory.com/

Just so we all know what were dealing with. While the other normal eating americans thinking about jumping on the so called healthy band wagon... I'm catching the next riding and sailing on to bigger and better things (until I realize that their not).

Right now I just have to get the hell out of the kitchen.... shoe fly.

My phone is telling me I have no service right now (the same spot I've talked on the phone in last night)

Riiiidiculous!

About to netfix it up... procrastination of something I want to be doing sets in.

Everything is in my head... I made this alllll up.